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Long Overdue - Where I'm At part 1 - Aaron


I feel like I have been going through the ringer these days. The Lord has brought me to such a unique place in my own walk with Him lately that I can accurately say I've never experienced this mix of physical, emotional and spiritual feelings before.

This past year has been really hard: leaving everything and everyone we love back in the States to move to a new home, a new culture, a new language, a new society with new laws, seeing new faces and eating new food. It almost feels like being born all over again (not that I remember what that is like), learning everything necessary for survival. There have been some really hard trials I have gone through that seem a touch trivial now that I look back on them. But you know those moments when it seems like the walls are closing in, that there is no escape from the situation, that all hope is lost? The loss of a loved one, losing a job in a tough economy or lets be honest, the flu. Who has had the flu for an extended time or to a severe degree and not asked God to either restore your health or take you out of this life?!?! My friend recently said it this way after he battled a nasty bug for about 5 days: "I would sit in my bed, miserable, and ask God that the next time I get in the shower that He would allow me to slip and fall and bleed out." Some moments can feel so hopeless as we feel so helpless.

Anyway, here's a journal entry that is straight from my heart, pretty raw and honest regarding trials and hardships and how I perceive God. This is the first half of my journal entry. The rest will come later.

"God it seems as if you're continuing to pour into my life words about trials and hardships. I have felt its something I need to learn and You have confirmed it through Your Word, time and time again. I can only remember one other time in my life when You spoke so clearly to me and that was when I was pursuing Sara. But this time I wasn't even looking for this: You brought it to me. Speakers, songs, conversations and the Bible have all spoken to me about this. You have my attention. So I suppose the thing to do is to submit to this. This is a hard one though and its honestly wrecking my view of You a touch. I feel like I am stepping into the ring with You. Before big events like traveling with Sara and the kids to Thailand, I was attempting to have a right heart in life's hard situations. I figured a curve ball would come my way, that you would use this situation to stretch me, and sure enough my daughter got car sick and threw up all over everything: shoes, clothes, coat, pants, shirt, Sara's shoes, clothes, coat, pants, shirt, all over the car, everything. That felt like I stepped into the ring with You. I expected something to happen, something that would send me over the edge. I stepped in the ring, not even lacing up my gloves (I know I can't fight back), only ready to take a blow or two from You. I knew they were coming and I felt like that first one TKO'd me. You wound up, saw I wasn't even trying to establish a defense and threw a hook that was 12 colors of boom and put me on my back. I was so angry at you."

More to come...

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