Parenting: the greatest refiner

Before becoming a parent, I never once thought about how the Lord might use it to refine me and teach me about Himself. Here's a glimpse of that on a couple levels.

Last week on Easter Sunday, I was eagerly anticipating celebrating the resurrection of Jesus with friends and family. We had all kinds of plans arranged and I was personally even looking forward to getting time to myself during naps to think on arguably (but not THAT arguable) the greatest event in history. But things quickly fell apart and early on I began to realize that day might not turn out exactly how I had planned it in my head. For me, unmet expectations are the only ingredient needed to make a hearty dose of realized sin. At one point, I had completely lost it and was literally pinning Evie down in her bed during nap, which she adamantly refused to partake in. I stormed out of her room screaming at her and smashed my fist into the couch on the way out. I had no grace. Patience was long gone. All that remained was frustration and anger. Why can't things just go my way?!?!

I wonder after days like that how bad I've already emotionally damaged my kids. I see the looks in their eyes during those times: defeat, hurt, longing for grace. But that day, there was none. So that night, after getting them into their beds, Emma asked me to tell her a story. I wanted out, to be by myself, to escape my duties as a parent. But after that day, I felt like I needed to give her something positive. So I made up a story of a dad who had 3 kids: Emily, Evelyn and Jay, or as Emma corrected me, "Jaysmalen." This dad loved his kids so much, more than the world. But there was a problem: the dad was sick. He had a disease that made him angry and bitter and frustrated with his kids. So he went to doctor after doctor looking for a remedy but none could be found. Not until one doctor referred him to another Doctor. The dad went to see Him and the Doctor examines him, finds the problem and prescribes him some medicine called Hobbly Skobbly (alluding to the Holy Spirit and how we must be constantly relying on Him for our strength to live the Christian life- not a water tight analogy, but some accuracy). The dad must take it every 2 minutes and, as long as he does, he won't rage at his kids. But there are times when he forgets and he does rage and become frustrated and angry. I ended the story and by this time Evie was asleep. So, I looked at Emma and got real close to her and asked, "Em, is there anything you want to talk about or anything you want to say?" I expected her to lay into me a little bit and tell me how I had dropped her like a vase full of beautiful flowers which shatters to hundreds of pieces when it hits the ground. I expected a dictation of the laundry list of things I had done to hurt her or Evie that day. I was ready to apologize, to fess up to my sin and wicked heart. But Em looked up at me from her pillow, only her head poking out of the mess of blankets and says simply, "Dad, I love you."

At that moment I lost it. I couldn't hold back tears and I realized that this was not only Emma's heart toward me in that moment, but God used her to show me HIS heart for me in that moment. No matter how bad and dark and wicked my heart can be, these are His words to me. He is using parenting to show me the depravity of my heart (how in the world can I treat my kids the way I do sometimes?!?!) while at the same time reminding me that He loves me and He proved that with the Cross. I am more sinful than I can ever imagine, but at the same time more loved than I could ever dream.