Ramblings about Wrestling

Wrestling... I admit, I tried it as a 3rd or 4th grader simply because all my friends were doing it. Looking back, the only explanation is that my parents either pitied me and wanted me to have friends or they were attempting to keep me out of more dangerous activities, like knife juggling (a HUGE passion of mine as an 8 year old)... or maybe they were hoping I could learn to defend myself against a ruthless older brother who rocked a mean half-nelson.

Picture a 45 pound kid (most of that weight was found in my knocky knees), flat top hair cut with cat scratches (also because my friends had them - did I have ANY influence on my friends?!?!), large buck teeth and a singlet that needed to be pre-shrunk so it wouldn't fall off in the midst of battle. I lost so many matches. I remember placing 3rd in one tournament only because there were 4 kids in my age group and the 4th, if I remember correctly was either a girl who had previously lost (praise God) or the 4th threw in the white flag due to injury. I cried every time I lost, which was more often than not. I washed those mats with my tears. Obviously, not good memories for me or for my dad who would come down to the mat to console me after getting pinned.

Wrestling has been a word I've started hearing more and more in Christian circles: "I'm wrestling with what job to take;" or "I'm really wrestling over this verse in the Bible;" or "Dude, I'm wrestling over which babe I should pursue." 

I've recently re-laced up my wrastling shoes, thrown on the singlet and re-cut the cat scratches as I've wrestled with something that's become perhaps somewhat of an identity issue. A couple weeks ago I was setting up my weekly schedule for the semester and I realized that it was hard to look at. This semester looks an awful lot like last semester's: heavy on language, lighter on ministry time on campus. And that doesn't sit well with me because I felt like I struggled in ministry last year. The time I had on campus, which was not as much as I would have liked, seemed to be unfruitful, discouraging and often left me wondering: "God, why did You bring me here if You're not going to use me?" Now, at the outset I want to say that I know my thinking is riddled with sinful and selfish thought patterns. So bear with me. That being said, I know the importance of having people in my situation (first year or 2 of a long term commitment) to hit the language hard. I value that. I want that. I have dreams of being able to minister in the native language of the people I've come to reach with the Gospel. I'm working hard to that end and I really love it. However, last year I felt like the Lord did so much in my own heart but not much through me. 

One flawed perception I have  is that either God will work in me OR He will work through me, but not both, not at the same time. So that's what I believe will happen this semester - He works in me but not through me. That's hard to swallow, because I feel like when we felt the call to come here, the excitement was palpable with dreams of seeing the Lord bring dozens of people to Himself through me. I mean, that's a large reason why I do this job - I have been so changed by Jesus that I want others to know this Guy. He's amazing. It's like meeting Michael Jordan and then telling EVERYBODY about it. Jesus is SOOOO much cooler than Michael Jordan. So I'm wrestling. I'm wrestling over questions like, "What if this year IS like last year? Will I be okay with that if that's what the Lord wants to do?" "Did You bring me here to develop me or to build Your Kingdom (there are so many holes in that question...)?" "Is Your main goal for having me in East Asia my heart loving You more or others hearts loving You more or perhaps for the first time?" Some of this comes out of the heart that the Lord has certainly used East Asia to grow me in ways I don't think would've been possible in the comforts of America. Of course, God's plan cannot be thwarted. But I do believe being here is better soil, so to speak, for growing my heart than was the soil of America, simply because of the things I was holding onto as my smaller "g" gods. "Is my heart, in God's opinion, more important than the mission here? Because it seems as though You are not really concerned about my ministry results, Lord." I know He cares about both my heart and those of others, but why is only one seemingly happening? Did I move my wife and 3 small children here only so that God could do a work in MY heart?!?! 

It may not sound like it, but I am so grateful for the work He has done and is doing in me. But I want to be used as well. Perhaps He's not worried about ministry results like I am. Whatever the case, I want to trust He knows what He is doing, that the Potter is molding and shaping His clay, me. That His purposes for me will be accomplished whether they seem best to me or not.