The Production Treadmill

I am the type of person who keeps a to-do list.  When Aaron and I first got married, he despised seeing one of my sticky note to-do lists lying around.  Perhaps it was the quantity of sticky notes or it may have been the things that were written on the lists.  Nothing crushes spontaneity and fun like having to check something off a list.  But I feel good about checking things off.  I feel good about producing.  I feel like I'm useful when I can produce something even when all it is is taking a shower (yes, as a mother of small children, it has to go on my list every now and then).  I hop on my production treadmill and ramp up the speed.  Washed the guest room sheets, check.  Made pumpkin bread, check.  Paid the bills, check.  And then I up the speed a little more.  Updated the baby books, check.  Organized family photos, check.  The treadmill is whirring and I am sprinting.  Created new fall decorations for our house, check.  Updated our budget, check.  Made a to-do list for Christmas, CHECK!  Now, some of the things on these lists are life-giving to me.  Of course nothing sucks the life right out them like adding it to the to-do list so that it can hang around my neck like a ball and chain until I complete it. AND nothing makes me catch my toe, grab the railing of the treadmill, and finish my sprint on my face like living overseas with small children.  In the past couple of years God has yanked me off on my production treadmill.  Just when I go to step back on and bump up the speed, I find myself head over heels, back on my butt staring at the empty, whirring treadmill.
After a conversation with a friend last week I realized that all of my lists should begin with a title.  "A good mom does this:"  "A good wife does this:"  "A good Christian does this:"  As my subconscious is revealed it is almost comical some of the things I find on these lists.  A good mom keeps those baby books updated with the exact date each tooth came in, the first step was taken and the first word was spoken.  A good mom has pictures for every minor and major life event and has them meticulously organized in yearly picture books.  A good wife has at least a couple meals frozen and waiting in the freezer so that her family never has to endure a simple sandwich for dinner.  A good Christian is always reading (and finishing!) at least six books as well as spending an hour a day in quiet meditation and prayer.  Boy, is it any wonder I feel like I'm never measuring up?  Often I don't even realize all the standards I'm trying to live up to.  All the things I feel like I have to produce.  Nothing is wrong with any of those things and bless the woman who achieves them simply because she can and has the time (of course, I would be envious of her and judge her in my heart).  The problem is that I measure my worth and identity by what I do.
I desperately want to matter.  Correction, I desperately want what I do to matter.  Yes, I know, feeding my children and caring for them and developing a home that is a refuge for the nurturing of little hearts and the fostering of creative little minds.... it matters.   Not in a way that the world sees, but it matters.  My children may not realize it now and they may not realize it later but it matters.  But do I matter?  God, do you see me when no one else does? Do you care about the things my day is filled with when no one else cares? God, do I matter when I cannot produce? When I cannot produce the things that matter to the world?  What about the days that I cannot produce the things that matter to my family?  I feel unlovable, unworthy when I cannot produce..... Do you love me when I'm unlovable?
In the past I've filled my head with this pseudo-truth.  God loves me because when He looks at me, He sees Jesus... and who could not love perfect Jesus.  It's like Jesus is hiding all the unlovable things about me- my sin, my failure, all the ways I feel I don't measure up.  Because God could never love the real me.... I'm unlovable in all my sin and failure and all the things I never got done last week so that I could dub myself a good mom, wife, Christian.  Romans 5:6-8 says, "For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly.  For one will scarcely die for a righteous person- though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die- but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." If God only loved me because He saw the perfection of Jesus.... well, I can love someone who's perfect... what's glorious about that love?  No! His love is glorious and beautiful because He, as a perfect, all-sufficient Creator of the Universe, saw me in all my unloveableness and loved me.... not just tolerated me but loved me... and not just loved me from a distance but loved me enough to DIE for me.  It's crazy!  It makes no sense!  He has shown me that I matter.... not because of what I do.... but because He loves me as unlovable me.  Isn't He wonderful?  Asian students, Asian professionals, Asian moms and dads, EVERYONE needs to know about this Person, about this love...  I pray that as my heart encounters this God, the people I meet around our neighborhood would meet this crazy wonderful God that loves people in such a radical way too.