There are so many things to do every day- meals to cook, dishes to wash, children to homeschool, laundry to wash, making plans to make plans, chinese vocabulary to learn and help my children learn, share my faith, encourage others, see big problems, make plans to solve big problems, attempt to carry out said plans, save the world or die trying. Most days it feels like I am running at breakneck speed and my mind is going even faster.
With each successful check on my never-ending list, my pride and sense of self-worth increase. With each realization that I could never accomplish all that I seek to do, a dip into despair. One look at my list would tell you I think I am superwoman- a woman with no limits. The Author of my life tells me otherwise. "The years of our life are seventy, or even by reason of strength eighty yet their span is but toil and trouble; they are soon gone and we fly away." Psalm 90:10 He created me with limits.
For the season of Lent this year I decided to give up the "fuel" for my to-do list: caffeine. I know everyone (including my husband and kids) are screaming, "No!!!!! How do you survive at 2:00pm with the world still waiting to be saved?!!! and snacks that still need to be made, administered, and cleaned up?!!!!" Well, I don't know. It's been hard.
I didn't consciously think through all this would mean back in February. To be honest, I selfishly gave it up so I wouldn't be so jacked up during homeschool in the morning- my leg shaking, talking too fast, teaching phonics while baking bread, switching laundry, refereeing preschool fights.... I was keyed up and jittery all morning. I didn't realize that I would begin to see my limits as a created being- you know, the ones God made me with that I, in my caffeine-induced frenzy, frequently transgressed.
I have discovered that I need a minimum of 8 hours of sleep every night when I don't have that cup o' joe waiting to power me through the morning. Sometimes I need a power nap at 2pm while the kids are in quiet time instead of just continuing with my campaign to save the world and accomplish my household tasks. Sometimes (gasp) things on my list go unchecked for days.... weeks...., okay, it's time to just take it off the list. The world has not shifted off its axis as I feared it might. I can't cheat death. I'm not being dramatic here and I'm not being morbid. I avoid thinking about it but my schooling in human limitations has made me think about it- I will die someday. I was made from the dust and I will return to the dust. All my striving to check things off my list and save the world will end.
There have been some great benefits. I am calmer (I think) and less anxious (I'm pretty sure). I feel a little bit more free not being dependent on that black, smoldering daily cup of fake energy. The greatest benefit has been the chance to see God.
I am finite but God is not. He is infinite. I am small and created. God is big and Creator. It is death to my ego (the same one that gets stroked with every thing checked off my list, the same ego that craves the glory of being seen as "capable" "high-capacity" "superwoman") to say God saw me in my frailty, with my limits that I try to live beyond, with my own foolish ideas about what life is about, with my rebellious heart that shakes my fist at Him saying, "I've got this, I don't need your help" and He loved me. A holy, infinite God sees me and loves me as I am. He loves me enough to be betrayed, tortured, and unjustly killed so that I can be brought into a relationship with the Author of my Life. He has already saved the world. This great work that He is doing in this world is an invitation for me to be a small part of it (which is easier to recognize when I'm calmer, less anxious, and not carrying the burden of saving the world).
My heart is broken. I try to save myself through the stupidest things. Like being a good housekeeper, being a perfect mom (the trouble with perfect- just one failure and it's gone), priding myself in being a responsible global citizen and Christian, through doing the things I think I should do. All of these things with prideful motivations are just dust.... burned up in the refining fire.
And then I am free- He did it! He has already done it! I don't have to do all this stuff to prove anything or earn anything. I get the chance to live my life motivated by the love of an infinite God who sacrificed Himself in my stead and rose victorious over death. He is Risen!
With each successful check on my never-ending list, my pride and sense of self-worth increase. With each realization that I could never accomplish all that I seek to do, a dip into despair. One look at my list would tell you I think I am superwoman- a woman with no limits. The Author of my life tells me otherwise. "The years of our life are seventy, or even by reason of strength eighty yet their span is but toil and trouble; they are soon gone and we fly away." Psalm 90:10 He created me with limits.
For the season of Lent this year I decided to give up the "fuel" for my to-do list: caffeine. I know everyone (including my husband and kids) are screaming, "No!!!!! How do you survive at 2:00pm with the world still waiting to be saved?!!! and snacks that still need to be made, administered, and cleaned up?!!!!" Well, I don't know. It's been hard.
I didn't consciously think through all this would mean back in February. To be honest, I selfishly gave it up so I wouldn't be so jacked up during homeschool in the morning- my leg shaking, talking too fast, teaching phonics while baking bread, switching laundry, refereeing preschool fights.... I was keyed up and jittery all morning. I didn't realize that I would begin to see my limits as a created being- you know, the ones God made me with that I, in my caffeine-induced frenzy, frequently transgressed.
I have discovered that I need a minimum of 8 hours of sleep every night when I don't have that cup o' joe waiting to power me through the morning. Sometimes I need a power nap at 2pm while the kids are in quiet time instead of just continuing with my campaign to save the world and accomplish my household tasks. Sometimes (gasp) things on my list go unchecked for days.... weeks...., okay, it's time to just take it off the list. The world has not shifted off its axis as I feared it might. I can't cheat death. I'm not being dramatic here and I'm not being morbid. I avoid thinking about it but my schooling in human limitations has made me think about it- I will die someday. I was made from the dust and I will return to the dust. All my striving to check things off my list and save the world will end.
There have been some great benefits. I am calmer (I think) and less anxious (I'm pretty sure). I feel a little bit more free not being dependent on that black, smoldering daily cup of fake energy. The greatest benefit has been the chance to see God.
I am finite but God is not. He is infinite. I am small and created. God is big and Creator. It is death to my ego (the same one that gets stroked with every thing checked off my list, the same ego that craves the glory of being seen as "capable" "high-capacity" "superwoman") to say God saw me in my frailty, with my limits that I try to live beyond, with my own foolish ideas about what life is about, with my rebellious heart that shakes my fist at Him saying, "I've got this, I don't need your help" and He loved me. A holy, infinite God sees me and loves me as I am. He loves me enough to be betrayed, tortured, and unjustly killed so that I can be brought into a relationship with the Author of my Life. He has already saved the world. This great work that He is doing in this world is an invitation for me to be a small part of it (which is easier to recognize when I'm calmer, less anxious, and not carrying the burden of saving the world).
My heart is broken. I try to save myself through the stupidest things. Like being a good housekeeper, being a perfect mom (the trouble with perfect- just one failure and it's gone), priding myself in being a responsible global citizen and Christian, through doing the things I think I should do. All of these things with prideful motivations are just dust.... burned up in the refining fire.
And then I am free- He did it! He has already done it! I don't have to do all this stuff to prove anything or earn anything. I get the chance to live my life motivated by the love of an infinite God who sacrificed Himself in my stead and rose victorious over death. He is Risen!
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