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Embracing Uncertainty

A couple of years ago a friend of a friend, who had lost her husband in a tragic car accident, said, “we must learn to embrace uncertainty.”  It’s been a phrase that has stuck in my head, something I have thought on many times in the adoption journey and our life in East Asia.  Initially when I heard it, I recoiled.  The word “uncertainty” is hard for me.  It pushes on my pride and control buttons.  I work so hard to make sure everything is certain- I try to plan ahead, be organized, manage time, finances, relationships, ministry all so that we can look ahead and be ready for whatever is coming.  As you can imagine, when things don’t go as planned it feels very difficult for me- I feel out of control and ashamed that I hadn’t seen it coming or planned better.  In my heart, I’m both trying to be God and to work hard enough to not need to trust Him.  I believe He’s purposely thrown a lot of curveballs our way just to remind me that He is the one in control, that He is God and I am not, and that He is with me when things aren’t going as planned.  Owen’s paperwork process, every time I fill out Owen’s medical and social history, our current visa process, and our housing situation over the last few years has certainly offered a lot of opportunities to embrace uncertainty.  I haven’t felt “at home” in our apartment for 2 years because it constantly feels like we might have to move.    
So how do we embrace uncertainty?  Well, I think we start by embracing what is certain- there is a God who created us, loved us enough to come to earth to die for us, and currently lives with us in each and every circumstance we find ourselves in.  I am loved by Him, when I fail, when I’m out of control, when I didn’t see it coming, when I didn’t plan well enough, when I planned my little heart out and it just didn’t turn out the way we expected.  I am not alone when I find myself in places I never imagined I would be, doing things I never thought I would have to do, when I’m misunderstood by people I love, when I feel unknown by others around me, when I’m known but not liked or wanted.  Then, I think we need to be honest with ourselves- are we in denial?  Are we resting on uncertain things, things that fade away- money, our organizing talents, health, energy, even the idea that we can completely control our own circumstances?  Don’t hear me saying not to use those things that God has given us but are we resting in them as if they are the rock that we stand on or as gifts that have been given to us?  The only Rock that stands through any and every storm is Jesus Christ.    
I am praying for rest in Him in an uncertain place.  There is deep rest of soul offered to us in Him in the most uncertain circumstances.  That doesn’t mean that it’s not hard when curveballs come our way, that doesn’t mean I don’t argue with God and wrestle with Him over hard things- actually to rest in Him, that is exactly what I need to do if that’s where I’m at.  In every season, I want lay down my pretense, performance, control and pride and present myself to my Father, knowing that I are not condemned and I am fully loved as I am….. and there is where I can find rest.   When we can embrace uncertainty and rest, then we can be present in the moment with the people who are with us…. Or maybe if we are present in the moment we can embrace uncertainty…. Well, whatever it is- that is a cycle I would like to find myself in instead of the dread-worry-fear-anxiety cycle that just breeds more dread-worry-fear and anxiety.  That's why my one word for 2017 is present- I want to both present myself to Him and be present with Him, myself and others in my "right now reality."  May we all find joy in Jesus and the enlarging of our souls in embracing our particular uncertainties!


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