We have resettled into life back in the East. I have survived my initial meal fails- for some reason whenever I cross the ocean, the other side greets with me with failed attempts at cooking- this time a can of beans exploded on my face, I had forgotten to buy half the ingredients, and I dumped seasoning into the pot that was infested with bugs. A little extra protein tonight, kids? Each trip across the ocean is another transition on either side- there are lots of practical things to do to get life set up and going, trying to find a rhythm to our life and family that works for the season. After the dust settles a little I always have the feeling, "who am I and where do I fit here?" If I'm in America, I feel a little strange, I feel tentative in each social situation and just the business of life because I feel like I should know how to interact or manage but I'm not quite sure or I'm out of practice. Especially going from a city of 20 million to the "village" of Lester, I have to remember that in the "village" we chat it up with everyone we meet. In the city, you put your head down and go about your business. When we come back to the East, I ask the same questions. I certainly never feel like I fit exactly in our home- if my hair was a little darker or my language a little better.... nope, I will never be asian. Our community is constantly changing here- people move a lot, things can change on a dime. Rent goes up, God calls, burn-out hits and people move to different places within the city, the country or across oceans. Every year is more transition. Who am I and where do I fit?
Identity feels like such a cloud of different things- Is it what I do? Is it my gifts and talents? Is it who other people say I am or how other people think of me? Is it my coping mechanisms and what the personality tests say? Is it who God says I am and if so, what does He say? This morning I was thinking of identity a bit like a house. Some of it has been built by God, some has been built by me, some by others and experiences, and some by culture. Every house has a support system, support beams that keep the house standing over time. Those support beams are crucially important to the house, if those beams go down, the house will fall. The last several years have been a season of realizing what those main beams are and in many cases, letting the house fall as they come crashing down. I built those beams, the beam of Productivity, the beam of Responsibility, the beam of Goodness, the beam of Control, the beam of Be the Best, do not be Average and the beam of Hide your Junk so that people will love you. You may look at some of those beams and say- hey! you should be responsible! I agree, but should it be a support beam of the house of your identity? What about the time I forgot something? What about if I am irresponsible from time to time? What about when I was responsible and (gasp) things still didn't go the way I tried so hard to make them go? The beam starts to crumble and the house is at a slant. If it was just a room in the house and not a support beam, you can say, well, it's just a mess right now and that's okay, we will get it straightened up at some point but it doesn't put the whole house at risk.
Transition tends to be the impetus God uses to let my self-made beams crumble and the house starts to go down. It is a terrible feeling. Then there is some freedom for awhile. Usually there are always some new beams I'm trying to construct like the beam of Emotional Health, the beam of Patient Mom and the beam of Eat Healthier. Again, if they were just rooms, no biggie, but I'm trying to build the house on it. The encouraging? and distressing fact is that the more times He lets my house my fall, the quicker it is to fall again. Those new beams never get built as far as the old ones before He comes in and knocks them down.
Today I was reading Psalm 2 in The Message and part of the last verse says, "Your very lives are in danger, you know; His anger is about to explode, but if you make a run for God- you won't regret it." The Psalm is talking about people who are making their lives, building their houses if you will, apart from God. My house is in danger, it will fall over, but there is an invitation to make a run for God. That part really grabbed me. I saw myself, letting go of those support beams and just taking off toward God. The house is starting to crumble and dust and debris is flying and falling around me. Sometimes I can't tell which way I am running there's so much dust and debris in the air. Sometimes I want to run back and rebuild as fast as I can but Someone compels me to keep running. And God, where are you in this? Are you calling me? Are you leading me? Are you making a way through the debris? I don't know but the feeling as I run is, He is here.
As the dust starts to settle again, I want new beams for my house. I can't make them though, mine don't stand up for very long. Only God can make those beams and those beams allow me to rest in my house. Daily, I have to let Him into my house and let others in too. I have to let them see the inside of my house, even let them rearrange some things in making room for Him. Some days I think- God, have you started yet on those beams or are you still just drawing the plans? They seem to take much more time that my quick bang up job. Of course, it also takes time for Him to come over and knock over the beams I've restarted every time too. That's part of it too, it feels unpleasant, but it is necessary. I want beams that are strong and unshakable. Beams like Loved, Created Soul, Free, Forgiven, Pure, Known, Redeemed, Creative, Here and Delighted In. He is here. These things are True and may they be True.
Identity feels like such a cloud of different things- Is it what I do? Is it my gifts and talents? Is it who other people say I am or how other people think of me? Is it my coping mechanisms and what the personality tests say? Is it who God says I am and if so, what does He say? This morning I was thinking of identity a bit like a house. Some of it has been built by God, some has been built by me, some by others and experiences, and some by culture. Every house has a support system, support beams that keep the house standing over time. Those support beams are crucially important to the house, if those beams go down, the house will fall. The last several years have been a season of realizing what those main beams are and in many cases, letting the house fall as they come crashing down. I built those beams, the beam of Productivity, the beam of Responsibility, the beam of Goodness, the beam of Control, the beam of Be the Best, do not be Average and the beam of Hide your Junk so that people will love you. You may look at some of those beams and say- hey! you should be responsible! I agree, but should it be a support beam of the house of your identity? What about the time I forgot something? What about if I am irresponsible from time to time? What about when I was responsible and (gasp) things still didn't go the way I tried so hard to make them go? The beam starts to crumble and the house is at a slant. If it was just a room in the house and not a support beam, you can say, well, it's just a mess right now and that's okay, we will get it straightened up at some point but it doesn't put the whole house at risk.
Transition tends to be the impetus God uses to let my self-made beams crumble and the house starts to go down. It is a terrible feeling. Then there is some freedom for awhile. Usually there are always some new beams I'm trying to construct like the beam of Emotional Health, the beam of Patient Mom and the beam of Eat Healthier. Again, if they were just rooms, no biggie, but I'm trying to build the house on it. The encouraging? and distressing fact is that the more times He lets my house my fall, the quicker it is to fall again. Those new beams never get built as far as the old ones before He comes in and knocks them down.
Today I was reading Psalm 2 in The Message and part of the last verse says, "Your very lives are in danger, you know; His anger is about to explode, but if you make a run for God- you won't regret it." The Psalm is talking about people who are making their lives, building their houses if you will, apart from God. My house is in danger, it will fall over, but there is an invitation to make a run for God. That part really grabbed me. I saw myself, letting go of those support beams and just taking off toward God. The house is starting to crumble and dust and debris is flying and falling around me. Sometimes I can't tell which way I am running there's so much dust and debris in the air. Sometimes I want to run back and rebuild as fast as I can but Someone compels me to keep running. And God, where are you in this? Are you calling me? Are you leading me? Are you making a way through the debris? I don't know but the feeling as I run is, He is here.
As the dust starts to settle again, I want new beams for my house. I can't make them though, mine don't stand up for very long. Only God can make those beams and those beams allow me to rest in my house. Daily, I have to let Him into my house and let others in too. I have to let them see the inside of my house, even let them rearrange some things in making room for Him. Some days I think- God, have you started yet on those beams or are you still just drawing the plans? They seem to take much more time that my quick bang up job. Of course, it also takes time for Him to come over and knock over the beams I've restarted every time too. That's part of it too, it feels unpleasant, but it is necessary. I want beams that are strong and unshakable. Beams like Loved, Created Soul, Free, Forgiven, Pure, Known, Redeemed, Creative, Here and Delighted In. He is here. These things are True and may they be True.
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